As I sit here in amazement at how fast the summer is flying by, I also find myself counting down the days until my divorce is finalized. The wife served the papers to me in June, of which I reluctantly signed. And so even though I find this pit of sadness growing deep inside, I continue to pray to God to give me strength in trusting Him amidst all this confusion.
Confusion, of course—but not for the reasons you may think. As I took the papers home that day, I sat with them in my dining room at the table and prayed. Here is along the lines of what I said (and what I still find myself praying again in this very moment)…
Lord, please help me find clarity in the midst of my very confusion situation. When I sat there at the dining room table last month, with the divorce paperwork all spread out, I found myself in the middle of this contradiction that did not (and still does not) make any sense to me. I do not agree with what my wife has decided to do dear Lord, and I know you do not either. But You have put me in this contradictory situation where every attempt to rectify and reconcile with my wife has failed. And you know that I have tried for a year and half in desperation and of painful pleading to you for intervention, but to no avail. Instead you have answered my prayers in a much different way in the middle of my crisis. You have taken my relationship with you to a much deeper level than I ever thought possible through all this. And you have allowed the Holy Spirit to convict me of my crimes and of now what I value. And that is You.
As You also know, I have sought the assistance of marriage counselors, of friends, of family, of strangers and ultimately of You. Yet, whatever I set out to achieve in reconciliation, I fail miserably. Whatever words I say fall short and meaningless.
Like Joseph when he was in the dungeon hoping that the actions of his fellow prisoner, whom he had helped to set free would return the favor, You blocked it from happening. Instead, You decided that a much different scenario would set Joseph free, so that he would know it was not by the hand of man, but by the hand of God that led him to the next stage in his journey. This leads me to believe that what You are blocking me from achieving through my own hand or of another, will ultimately fail.
And instead you are placing me in a contradictory position where nothing makes sense in order to test my faith.
I often wonder, why You dear Jesus—who frowns upon divorce—why would you allow this to still happen? Oh, I do not trust my own interpretations or analysis, Lord, to make sense of this. Rather, I have come to the realization that I must simply just trust in You. So I trust in You to make things right and to even use hell to achieve something much greater here. Something potentially greater than just me. What you are doing behind the scenes, I may never know, but I will go forward and sign this paperwork—not for me, not for my wife—but for you dear Lord, because I trust You to use this scenario to your advantage. And since I have no idea how You will use this situation to serve Your Kingdom, please forgive me Lord; for I still feel awful about this.
I do not agree with what is happening to me, but I have no choice. You leave me with no option but to go where You lead me, even if where You lead me makes no logical sense in the moment. However, I pray that in exchange, you walk with me through it all and grant me the clarity and peace in trusting You with each additional step in faith. I have nothing left, no more people or hopeful scenarios to believe in, but I will continue to believe in You Jesus, even if it makes absolutely no sense to me at all. It is in Your name that I pray for your provision and guidance through this difficult time. And I thank You for allowing me the opportunity to see another side of Your existence.
I hope you might find this encouraging if you are struggling to make sense of your situations too, friend. May we be used as a further testament to the Lord’s goodness and as an example of His abundant grace to many others who still struggle as well. Peace be with you.